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I Want My Mommy

I was barely awake when I heard them screaming. I shouldn't have even been awake. I had woken up before my alarm and I didn’t need to be up for another few hours. So I had just laid there in bed, after opening my eyes, thinking I could rest a little more until I had to leave the house. And then the screaming started. These shrill yells that terrified me so deeply I felt like vomiting on the spot. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t think at all. I just jumped out of bed, threw my sheets to the floor, and ran upstairs as though my life depended on it. I was so panicked I didn’t even think to grab my glasses before heading upstairs.

When I reached that final step it was chaos. My younger brother shouting out in a frenzy, my youngest sister crying and babbling, and my younger sister crying and trying to form a coherent sentence. I tried to ask what was going on, and somehow my body, without a response at this point, just seemed to gravitate towards my mother’s room. And that’s when I saw her. I was half blind without my glasses and still sleep hazed, but I was still able to see my mother flat on the ground. Unmoving, unresponsive to the cries of my older sister who was visiting from New York, and the scene made me want to collapse.

I think I started shouting. All I’m absolutely sure of is that I fell on my knees next to her and started calling for her.

“Mami, are you okay? What happened? Mami can you hear me? I need you to open your eyes. Mami please wake up. Please, please, please!”

I didn’t move her head. I didn’t mover her at all. From downstairs I could hear one of my sisters telling my dad about my mom. He told someone to call 911, and a moment later he was beside my mom as well. He had a phone, I don’t remember whose, and was talking to what must have been a 911 operator. He asked for an ambulance, said my mother was unconscious and wasn’t responding, we needed help and quick.

My older sister is still desperately trying to wake my mom up, my younger siblings are still crying, and all I can think is I want my mommy. I want my mommy and I want her now. I want her awake and laughing, and joking around  until she had to go to work. Everyone always said I had my mother’s baby face, and right then I was making full use of the image by crying my eyes out and pleading with her to just answer me. Just open her eyes a bit so I knew she was fine.

My dad was the gentlest I’d ever seen with her. He got her to wake up, talk to him a bit, and my siblings and I all gathered in the room. She knew we were crying, could probably hear half of us sobbing, and she was tried to reassure us that she was fine. She’s on the ground, can’t get up, and she’s trying to make sure we’re okay. It only made me cry harder.

The ambulance arrives within minutes. They try and talk to her, and my mind tells me to move the kids out of there. I try and settle them down, try to calm my own nerves as I send my younger brother to get ready for school, and try and comfort my two younger sisters. I think to myself, I need to stay strong. I need to show them this is okay. Our older sister is still panicking so someone has to be a rock of some sort. I think I almost managed it.

Then I saw them carry my mother out in a stretcher and break down again. From then on it’s a bit of a blur. Our eldest sister is called, second eldest goes with mom in the ambulance, I get my brother ready for school, my sisters don’t want to go, and so our oldest sister decides we’ll spend the day with her. Dad goes to work, tells us to call him when we hear anything, and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and pretend that none of this is happening. That this is all some bad dream and once I wake up things will be normal. Things will be fine. Things won’t hurt this damn much.

There’s this constant aching that spreads from my chest down to the pit of my stomach. I keep thinking about the last time I spoke to my mother. Last night, before I went to bed. I told her I loved her, gave her a hug, we had a bit of a laugh at something dumb on TV, and she kissed me goodnight before telling me she’d see me in the morning. I keep thinking that I should have told her I loved her again before the ambulance left. I should have said it once she woke up, and what if I never get another chance again?

And I can’t stop crying. Nineteen fricken years old and I can’t stop bawling like a baby. I keep trying to wipe them away, make them stop, try and tell myself to calm down, but I just can’t.

I want my mommy.

Bring in the New Year

Oh LiveJournal, how I‘ve neglected you. Sorry for the mistreatment, and allow me to tell you how my holidays went.

This holiday season was actually a lot nicer than I thought it would be, and a lot of interesting situations occurred that I will be writing about in bits and pieces when I get another chance. It’s funny, but I still have a lot to do even after the holidays have ended.

I’ve now been given the tasks of cooking for my two younger sisters and myself, doing the best I can to make the meals healthy so that we can all lose a few pounds. My dad says he'll be depending on me for a lot more this year, even though he doesn't want to put too much pressure on me. I told him I was up for the challenge. A lot of the Christmas gifts I sent out to friends in other states came back because my mom, the person I asked to go to the post office for me, forgot to put down the addresses for the people they were being shipped to. So now I have to resend gifts and boy do I hope people like them and don't hate me for not getting them out on time. Still looking for a job. Oh shooting stars, why do you fail me so?

At least a friend of mine, who has a soon to be one year old baby, offered to give the job of a part time babysitter. I love the kid, so I think it’s a good setup. It’s a little extra cash in my pocket at any rate. We got a few birds in the house now too, a couple of cockatiels and a parakeet, I think, and they sing along with just about every song we play on the radio. It makes me smile. Little brother is still a jerk, but I’ve learned to ignore him completely when he’s around me. Sisters and I are all in agreement on that one.

Will update soon with more, but before I go,

New Year’s Resolutions:

Lose Five pounds. (Keeping this small so I don’t feel like a failure if I can’t go all the way to something like 40)

Get no less than a B in all my future classes.

Get something of mine published somewhere.

Get a Job. (I probably should have put that first)

Learn to let the smaller stuff go.

Well, that’s all for now. I’ll see you all again soon and here’s to a happy new year! May 2012 bring us more fortune than 2011.


Tired and Out of Options

Most of today was spent in my room, only coming out when I needed to shower or to eat. My mom does sincerely feel terrible, that much I can tell now that I’m not too mad to look. She spent most of her day doing little things to try and make me happy, calling me those little motherly pet names and offering me little gifts, before just coming out and apologizing. I said I forgave her, even though I’m not sure I truly did, and asked what she planned to do about the situation.
And we had a long talk.
 One we should have had a long time ago.Collapse )

I'm Tired of it All

Yesterday was an absolute nightmare. It began and ended with little brother.
And what a nightmare it was. Collapse )

They're Called Ex's for a Reason

So, the ex called me early this morning. Or rather, he texted me at about six in the morning to tell me he wanted to talk. I wanted to ignore the text and pretend I never got it, but you know me. For some reason the guilt would have overridden the satisfaction of avoiding him. So I called back and asked what he wanted that was so important he needed to text me at such an ungodly hour. Honestly, without trying to sound arrogant, I was confused.
 About everything in generalCollapse )


Writer's Block: B.Y.O.B. Holidays

What is on your holiday wish list this year? One random answer will win a $50 Amazon gift card. [Details here]
Fables. I saw a preview of it and now I'm dying to read the rest of the series. Anybody who hasn't gotten me a gift this year is expected to try and find it. ;)


Who the hell shoots at a school bus with a BB gun?! I mean, what thought process could a person possibly go through that would lead them to believe doing something like that is a safe and happy time for all involved? There are kids on that bus. Kids can get hurt fairly easily! Especially when the shot is strong enough to shatter a window! And it just-it’s just-they just-
Yes I’m panicking. Can you tell?
The school bus that was supposed to bring my nephews home from today was shot at with a BB gun by an idiot who must have thought it was funny. The police came, took everyone off the bus, including one kid who was hurt in the firing, and let these kids walk home. They have yet to catch the one who was shooting.
My youngest nephew was thankfully in an afterschool program and therefore not on the bus. My oldest, however, was and now we can’t find him. He’s most likely walking home from school having no other mode of transportation, so my mother’s out looking on that route while I stay home just in case he gets here first, and I’m noticeably shaking up.
When my oldest sister, my nephew’s mother, called crying, I knew something was wrong. She barely ever cries. And all I needed to hear was the word ‘shot’ before I almost lost it. I’m lucky she got out ‘BB gun’ before I went ballistic. Now all we need to do is find my nephew and we’ll be all set. Once I see him free from injuries I know the panic will subside. I just can’t calm down, not completely, until then.

Writer's Block: Scents and sensibility

What is your favorite smell?
This might seem a little weird, but I actually love the smell of freshly sharpened pencils. Something about it just calms me down and allows my mind to focus a bit better on the tasks at hand. I joke sometimes that that smell is what kept me cool headed enough throughout my MCAS and SAT exams, and it was able to help me achieve the good marks that I got. I joke, but I have to wonder sometimes...0_0'
One of my aunts recently came over to the house for a visit and she told me, quite sincerely, that every time she sees me I have the same face.

Understand that she's Puerto Rican and doesn't speak English very well. What she means to say is that I don't have a new face for every day of the week, a common saying my family uses for people who are two faced/say one thing to your face and another behind your back. The saying just doesn't translate very well into English. Saying I always have the same face is her way of telling me that I remain the same person I've always been, which is for her a very high compliment considering how critical she tends to be of people. 
What is the last compliment you received?

Happy Birthday to Her

Happy birthday to my beautiful niece who, as of right now, is six years old. Not only does it commemorate another wonderful year from a child that is dear to me, but it also celebrates Maki’s victory over a brain tumor that appeared when she was just three years old. She was braver than anybody I have ever seen, and she came out on top with a miraculous recovery. She is alive, happy, healthy, and shall be having fun at her Monster High birthday party tomorrow afternoon.
I love you Makeila! Happy Birthday and many more to come!